New Government Regulations

To Insure the Welfare

Of Those Make the Greatest

Contribution to this

Great Nation

The ruling body of the United States of America, the Supreme Court, has authored new government regulations that will go into force January 1, 2013. These regulations will deal with problem of politics, health care, and, especially the problem presented by dogs and cats. The members of the Supreme Court have decreed that, because they are the last court of appeal, there will be no discussion or appeal of these necessary regulations. The Chief Justice announced, “What we have said, let no man, or woman, contradict. We are the great I ams.” Another justice added, “The American People ought to thanks us for our guidance.”

The first section regulations will concern politics.

1. All political parties will be combined into one party. The party will be known as the Vegetarian Party. The Surgeon General of the United States will chair this party. Under the guidance of the Surgeon General, members of the AMA will choose and seat individuals for every political office in the United States. This practice will be aimed at eliminating the corrupting practice of lobbying and wasteful campaign spending. The millions saved will be diverted to more productive endeavors such as the building of golf courses and tennis courts for the really deserving such as the members of the AMA the Trial Lawyers Association.

2. The second section of regulations will deal with health care.

Under the direction the Supreme Court and the AMA, these regulations will be enforced.

a. Diet:

1. A new general family diet has been prepared and will be placed in the hands of Heads of Families. This diet has been divided into Day, Month, and Year.

a. Day: children and adults will consume no more than three stalks of celery, three small carrots, two pieces of lettuce, one small tomato, two cups of ½ percent milk, one spoonful of peanut butter, 1/3 cup of corn flakes, 1 piece of dried bread, and one small sugar free cookie.

b. Month: Each family will consume no more than three loves of bread, I head of lettuce, four stalks of celery, and two-dozen tomatoes. Each family, who follows all regulations, will receive I dozen apples or a forth of a watermelon according to their choice. See your manual for further instructions and choices.

c. Year: Every family that has complied with regulations will receive on small turkey for Thanksgiving and one small ham for Christmas. These two items will be illegal at other times of the years and the punishment for have these items in your possession will be severe.

As a bonus, every family who has had a family member that has died of starvation during the year will get an extra turkey or ham.

All tobacco products, alcohol products, all confectionary products, all

Bake goods containing sugar, all products with animal fat, etc, will be considered outlawed when these regulations go into effect. Note: this measure is for the good of the nation.

2. Under health care reform concerns unnecessary

Citizens:

a. Children. If a child, at the completion of the first grade, who can not read to the satisfaction of his teacher, will be neutered or spaded to insure that no further defective offspring will be issued. This will save millions in welfare benefits in the future. Members of the Supreme Court debated this hotly. Some wished to wait until the 3^rd grade.

b. Regulations concerning senior citizens include the following. Additional regulations can be found in your Manuel.

Upon reaching the age of 70, senior citizens will be tested physically, mentally, and emotionally. If a senior fails to achieve a passing score of 90, that individual will be placed on probation. If that individual, at the age of 75, fails to reach the score of 85, that individual will be terminated at the expense of their family. After an individual has reach the age of 80, they will be evaluated yearly, If, after being evaluated, any individual that is considered by the testing authority to be no longer useful to this great nation will be terminated at the expense of their family. These regulations are expected to save billions, keep Medicare afloat, and ensure that many faithful bureaucrats will have a job. After all, this nation is supported on the backs of government bureaucrats.

3. The 3^rd Section of Regulations deals with dogs and cats. The Court was unanimous in its opinion that dogs and cats are the worst things that have happened to this nation. One justice said while holding his nose, “The greatest favor we could do to the citizens of this great nation would be to rid this nation of dogs and cats.”

The main regulation in this section is as follows:

1 Every family, that wanted to have a pet, would be given the choice of ether a dog or a cat, but not both.

2 Every pet owner must submit his dog or cat for an annual inspection by a veterinarian and his staff. If animal is found to have a flea or any other parasite, that animal will be eliminated at the expense of the pet owner. The pet owner will be strip searched by the veterinarian and his staff. If the pet owner is determined to have fleas or other parasites, they will be terminated at the expense of their family.

As a closing note, the court testified that they were proud to be able to serve their nation and keep it great.

(An exercise in extreme satire.)